Countdown / Meltdown

I count down the days to the MRI. I feel nervous and anxious but most of all excited. Having spent the last six months in pain, I count every hour that passes as my appointment nears.

I get a phone call the afternoon before my scan. They have to rearrange my appointment as The Doctor will not be able to attend. I'm not sure who this Doctor is, but I assume he is the injection-giving doctor who has to deliver the radioactive fluid and oversee the arthrograms. Because the MRI is a mobile unit, I have to book in the following week and the lady on the phone doesn't quite understand why I'm sobbing down the receiver.

To be honest, I probably should've been prepared to be let down at some point, but I didn't expect it from a private hospital. Perhaps I shouldn't have been so hopeful at all! Perhaps I should accept that, actually, the MRI may not show what the doctor hopes. And what if the scan is postponed again... and again? What if I have a negative reaction to the contrast dye and they're unable to do the scan at all?! Perhaps I shouldn't rely on hope to carry me through this process - it's so sparse anyway, the energy it takes for me to gather the specs of it to create even a sense of hope is far too exhausting. I may as well maintain a pessimistic outlook, and be surprised when good news comes my way. At least then when I'm hit hard I won't have so far to fall.

My life is full of highs and lows at the moment. Peaks and troughs of the absolute kind. Like an earthquake measured on a Richter scale that will just not stop shuddering. Ugh.

A terrible afternoon followed by a night of restlessness. My hip pain seems to correlate with how I'm feeling mentally.

I let myself cry and my face is soaking wet and my eyes are sore but I am silent because for everyone else this is so boring and I'm bored of telling them my problems and I'm bored of losing concentration and I'm bored of taking painkillers and the more I get worked up the tenser I get and my hip feels as if it's made of lead, weighing me down and luring me into the dark place I know I should stay.

'Going private'

My workplace has managed to enrol me on their private health scheme. I have to pay a premium, but I'm sure it will be worth it.

The helpline point me in the direction of 6 hip and knee specialists who work across 2 hospitals near me. I choose who I want, call their secretary, and they book me in for a consultation in a couple of days time. Brilliant!

I see the consultant for half an hour and ask him lots of questions. After examining me he's not sure what's going on. It could be a combination of things, but he cannot tell. The MRI arthrogram will reveal all - nothing can hide.

I ask how long I'll be waiting to get booked in and he replies: 'oh just pop round the corner to Radiology and they'll book you in for next week'...

Ultrasound results and follow-up

The team have my date of birth wrong, so when I step into the clinic and they check my information, they mis-hear me when I say 1988. When I'm laid down on the couch, the sonography assistant asks me whether I'm still at school or college...? I pause and confirm I'm twenty-six. They check my address and everyone laughs when they realise they've written 1998. I am both impressed and worried that I can still get away with looking 16 years old.

The sonographer proceeded to work over the affected area again and again, searching for answers. Unfortunately, she couldn't see enough. She confirmed that there were no muscle ruptures or tears, but there were inconsistencies. She suggested that an MRI be carried out to see exactly what's going on.

My follow-up appointment lasted 5 minutes and was told I need an MRI arthrogram and will be referred to a surgeon who will book in this appointment.

"Expect to wait another 6-8 weeks."

Tomorrow, tomorrow! I love ya, tomorrow...

Well potentially!

Tomorrow I am booked in for my ultrasound at the hospital. I'm hoping the radiographer is able to tell me there and then what he or she can see in and around my hip. My follow-up appointment with the orthopaedic clinician is a few days afterwards where he will look at the results and suggest treatment or advise further investigation.

I have read so much online about scar tissue in cartilage and permanent damage, I'm so worried that I've damaged it past the point of return. Stupid internet.


I stopped having chiropractic a couple of weeks ago and have seen a significant drop in the pain and twinges in my lower back. Sometimes it aches but it feels a little stronger. My psoas aches and is difficult to stretch out. Right inside my groin, through the hip, down the thigh - front and side.

I'm getting all wobbly too. Which, in itself, is incredibly depressing. I do what I can (ie sod all) with the restrictions I have. I walk when I can, and try to fit something in before work. If I feel strong and stable enough I will hold a plank or two for 30 seconds each time. That's about as intense as it gets.

I walk up a little hill and I get out of puff. It's awful.

Roll on tomorrow. I can't wait.

The worst of times

It is very difficult to maintain composure when you live every day in pain. Shooting pain through the base of my back and down my leg when walking, deep aches, pains and stiffness when sitting.

The other day I stood in the checkout at Tesco and forgot we needed kitchen roll. I did a half-skip/jog to the correct aisle and nearly fell over following the weakness I felt. It feels like my entire pelvis is detached from my spine. Nothing supporting it apart from the finest, silk-like nerves, which twinge and ping with pain every time any pressure is put on them to keep my legs attached to my body.

I do my stretches, I take it easy, I do no exercise, I've finally cancelled my gym membership so I'm not tempted to swim or do pilates or yoga. The chiropractor realised that the base of my spine is swollen because the cartilage around the discs is damaged and inflamed. So, in addition to all my other requirement, I'm now not allowed to hinge at the waist...

Bored now.

Ultracrap

I saw a specialist physiotherapist who initially seemed stand-offish.

I unpacked my backpack which held a CD of the x-rays taken of my spine and a patient summary from the second chiropractor I'd seen during my period of treatment. The CD wouldn't load properly so the x-rays were just funny icons and Notepad gibberish. Awkward.

He examined me and suggested it might be a cam impingement - a problem that my cousin has suffered with and recently had surgery to fix. I was happy! I diagnosis that made sense! I was sent off to have an x-ray of my hip.

The x-ray showed no problem with the joint or hip socket. Good, I suppose. He then said, OK we need to look at the bursa and the tendons and the whole area via ultrasound. Yay! I was happy! Off to ultrasound I go..?


Nope. It's a 6 week wait.